One of the functions of ‘like’ in everyday speech is as a quotative, or introducer of speech or thought. Research on conversational narratives shows that quotative ‘like’ has a similar effect as the progressive aspect, as an internal evaluation device. 

OK, so you’re about to die.

You’re one of those who thinks there’s an afterlife, and that you’ll meet your Creator there.

You’re seventy-five percent correct.

Here’s what you’re wrong about: you actually get to meet two Creators in the afterlife.

The one people line up to see is the famous one, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

The one no one seems to even know about is Me, the Maker of Language.

I had a different plan for creation than the other God.

His design was of a world that was already perfect, balanced and complete, something He could sit back and be proud of. You know, ‘He saw that it was good’, and all that.

I wanted to make something that wouldn’t ever be finished, something that could make itself up as it went along.

We didn’t argue about it or anything. We collaborated. We were the first great musical duo. He wrote the chords and the bassline, and I produced linguistic sequences that could be improvised over them.

The problem was that language made people nervous. It made them feel like they were separate from the perfect harmonies the other God had made. Language made them feel like they were supposed to do something more than the rest of creation, which made them feel powerless, like they’d been kicked out of some garden. Then came resentment, which brought out a destructive quality neither I nor the other God had anticipated.

In heaven we share an office, but like I said before, the queues are for Him, not Me.

Everyone assumes I’m the receptionist, or some sort of archivist. It’s probably all the filing cabinets.

When you do finally cop it, can I ask a favour?

Stop by my desk and talk to Me. Bring a few friends along. Help Me get the message out so that in your next life, you might be a little less miserable.

When you come, I’ll be like, Of course you felt separate! That was the point!

You were the goddamned melody!

You were supposed to improvise!

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Would you like to know more about this story? Watch the video I made about it.