Utterances are called ‘performative’ when voicing them changes social reality in some way.

‘What does “in charge” mean?’

‘Why do you ask?’ Amy said. She never gave direct answers, always responding with questions of her own. ‘Where did you hear that term?’

Amy was his LCSW, which meant licenced clinical social worker. Joshua went to her office every Tuesday after school.

‘Before Mom went out yesterday she said to Marcie, “You’re in charge.”’

‘It means your mother was making your sister responsible while she was gone.’

‘Oh.’

‘Joshua, how long was your mom away for?’

He didn’t know. He was asleep when she got back.

After the appointment he sat next to the aquarium in the waiting room to wait for his mom. The two fish swam around each other in threatening spirals. He named the yellow one Joshua and the blue one Marcie.

He put his face close to the glass and whispered a decree.

‘Joshua,’ he said. ‘You’re in charge.’

The following Tuesday, the blue fish was gone. 

‘What happened to Marcie?’ he asked.

‘What do you mean?’ Amy was alarmed. ‘Did something happen to your sister?’

‘I didn’t mean to say Marcie. I meant to say what happened to the blue fish.’

Amy looked glum. ‘It died last week,’ she said. ‘I found it floating in the aquarium when I came in on Wednesday morning.’

‘Oh,’ said Joshua.

‘Did you name the blue fish Marcie?’

Joshua didn’t answer.

Marcie had been replaced with a different fish, an orange one. Joshua named it ‘Amy’. 

‘You’re in charge,’ he told Amy.

The following Tuesday, Joshua was gone.

‘Why are all your fish dying?’ he asked his LCSW.

‘It was the water,’ Amy said. ‘There was too much chlorine in it.’

‘Is it better now?’

Amy nodded. ‘We had a filter installed.’

Relief washed over Joshua like a clean, safe current.

There were lots of fish now, a bustling undersea world of colours and shapes. Floating in the tank was a small air pump. Joshua watched the bubbles rising from it, buoyant and inexhaustible.

The fish darted about, fearless and carefree. There were too many to keep track of, so he spoke his message to the spaces between them, to the life-giving liquid that kept them safe and thriving.

‘You’re in charge,’ he said to the water. He felt his body relax. Quiet tears flowed in a study stream down his cheeks.

Listen to my podcast episode on this story here.